Inflexible, rule-bound, and black and white thinking, I’ve written a lot about some of the more challenging aspects of my character. But, when well managed, there is an upside to having an over controlled personality. I get things done!
I make decisions the same way I shop for clothes. I try on ideas, see how they fit, check them out from different angles. But when I make a decision, boom. It’s done. Like, when I decided it was time for Marc and I to get married, I threw down a quasi ultimatum, and eight months later we were walking down the aisle. Or when I;
· Was ready to have a baby. Two glasses of chardonnay and nine months later, hello Dylan.
· Wanted a more kid-friendly house. Up went the for sale sign, maybe while Marc was on a business trip.
· Needed to get serious about losing weight. Out came the food journal and jogging shoes, and I made that happen.
· Wanted to become a health coach and then a personal trainer. Done and done.
And most notoriously, I’d try and fix anything myself, rather than wait for someone else. There’s not a dishwasher, garbage disposal, or washing machine in my house that I haven’t taken apart and, for the most part, successfully fixed.
By 2013, the thought of gaining a little weight had been simmering in the back of my self conscious for a while, but it was beginning heat up and boil over, spilling into the forefront of my mind. The ICU trip in Bend, the coffee convo with Ronni, and the recent photographs that I was not particularly eager to look at were all signs that were getting harder to ignore. I always figured when I was ready to gain weight; I would easily be able to do so. When I made that promise to my grandma, the one to get healthy, I meant it. My decision made, I was confident I would make it happen.
With my health coaching/personal training background, I was very well aware of what needed to be done to gain weight. Five hundred extra calories a day=one pound a week. That’s a little less exercise and a little more food a day. It was akin to the work I did with some of my clients, just in reverse.
Every day I woke up with the resolve that “ today would be the day.”
I would go to the gym with the plan to leave after an hour, but, as usual, end up staying for two. I planned to add more olive oil into my lunch, but could not bring myself to add an extra tablespoon and instead promised myself I would add more to dinner. And the cartons of Tillamook cookies and cream ice cream I purchased for a nightly treat sat untouched (by me anyway) in the freezer night after night while I nibbled on a small square of chocolate instead. I’ll start tomorrow. I promise.
In my heart, I meant it. I didn’t want to be so thin. But my desire to gain weight , was overshadowed by the fear that, perhaps I was facing something much harder to fix than a Maytag.